The Hobbit: an unexpected journey' (Dwarven commentary)
by Tatharwen315
Summary: The Dwarves finally share their opinion on the current Hobbit movie, thanks to the rise of Mary Sues, and me, a control-freak of an author.
1. Prologue

'_**The Hobbit: an unexpected journey' gave us Hobbit book-lovers quite a shock: both in a good way AND a bad way. There were things that were added that made us uncomfortable, and things that were left out that we were dying to see. Also, let's not forget the fact that Peter Jackson divided the book into three movies. And the 48-frames effect on the movie has received many complaints by fans around the world.**_

_**A lot of these flaws are flaws that only us book-fans can see… and yet… we still think that the movie turned out absolutely, positively, unquestionably amazing. It had some elements similar to The Lord of the Rings trilogy, but yet it had its own vibe. On December 14, 2012, it was like we were journeying back to Middle Earth. **_

_**But there are some… Who have been silent. I have noticed many fans lately who wonder what the hobbit characters would think of this current movie, so I recently traveled down to Middle Earth to hopefully get their feedback, for the sake of this fanfiction site. It was…. Very interesting.**_

**~0~0~0~**

It was a few months ago that I traveled to Middle Earth to try and find the main Hobbit characters for an interview (how I was able to travel to Middle Earth is VERY top secret; Middle Earth would meet its peril if all fan girls knew how to get there). I first tried the most obvious place to find a few of the Dwarves: Erebor. But apparently, the guards had known already that I was representing fanfiction, so they 'warned' me not to take another step closer to their border by pointing all of their crossbows in my general direction. My next trip was to the Woodland realm, but Thranduil and Legolas had signed restraining orders not allowing a single 'Mary Sue' to enter Mirkwood. THEIR guards assumed that I was one, and this time they actually tried to shoot me. After I was questioned by them, I was escorted back to the border (Talk about distrust of strangers). Still left with my book-sense, I avoided Beorn's home altogether. I was able to find Rivendell, and thankfully they allowed me in, But Elrond refused an interview. I only stayed in Rivendell for about three days; during that time I was able to get a confession out of Lindir, in which he said exactly "That absurd film made me look like Elrond's slave. Can't anyone tell by my name that I'm a musician?!" and then stomped off to the hall of fire. I was avoided by many of the Elves during my visit, but on the third day they eagerly gave me directions to the Shire, then sent me on my way.

And so, after a long, time-consuming, unpleasant, unsuccessful journey across Middle Earth, I finally made it to Bilbo's front door. It was some time in the evening, but the house was so quiet that no one seemed to be at home. I was about to knock, when it hit me: I forgot to ask what year I was in. It had to be before the events of the war of the Ring; Elrond was still in Rivendell, and Legolas was still in the Woodland realm with his father. I had assume that it was maybe some years after Erebor was re-established. The Shire was going to be my last stop before I would give up and return to my home, so I held my breath, crossed my fingers, and knocked on the door.

To my surprise, Gandalf opened it. "Now who are…" he began, but his cheerful smile turned into a deep frown when he looked down at me. "You're from fanfiction, aren't you?" he sighed.

"Yes, I am Tatharwen315… but It's not what you think," I begged. "I didn't trample all around Middle Earth for days just to see if I could hook up with Legolas, or some other Elf! I came here because I was hoping that I could ask you and Bilbo a few questions…"

Gandalf still didn't seemed impressed. "Your journey was pointless then. Go home," he snapped, and tried to shut the door. I quickly jammed my foot inside keep the door propped open. At this point, Gandalf would need fifty crossbows wielded by the woodland realm's finest archers if he wanted for me to give up and leave. "I only want to ask for your opinion on the current Hobbit movie," I said boldly, "There are many fanfiction authors who are dying to know your feedback. And who knows? This could be to your own benefit."

Through the crack in the door, I could see Gandalf start to look curious. "How?" he asked.

I bit my bottom lip and tried to think. "Well… What are these 'Mary Sue' girls anyways?

Gandalf sighed and opened the door a little wider. "Hmmm, let's see… The origin for Mary Sues came from Paula Smith, who in 1973 published a parody story for Star Trek called 'A Trekkie's tale' which starred Lieutenant Mary Sue who was only fifteen and a half years old. Such characters at that time were generally original female adolescents who had romantic liaisons with established canonical adult characters, or in some cases were the younger relatives or protégées of those characters. "

I nodded, and pretended to listen as he went on about the history of Mary Sues, the constructed criticism about them by many authors around the world, personal essays which described self-insertion, and the different names for male Mary Sues, like Marty Stu, Larry Stu, Mary Joe, and Gary Stu.

Finally, I started to pay attention when he said, "And so as I mentioned earlier, Middle Earth has been having problems with Mary Sues showing up out of the blue. The Mary sues that we're having problems with are young adolescent authors who either show up as themselves, or have the ability to disguise themselves as anything to female rangers, Elvish warriors or meek maidens, and so on. But one of the most common traits about them is that most of them have violet eyes and long golden hair, and all of them are in pursuit of any male character that they find appealing."

I glanced at my reflection from one of the windows and thanked the heavens that I had short black hair and brown eyes.

"And also," he said in almost a whisper, "They all come from YOUR fanfiction site."

Gandalf finished and crossed his arms. I wanted to ask him how he knew all of this, but I decided not to ask in fear of another long lecture. I saw the look on his face and realized that he was waiting for me to say something back. An idea quickly popped into my mind, but it would be until much, much later that I would feel regret about the lie that I told him next. "Well… Did you know that 95% of Mary Sues that come from my fanfiction site haven't read the Lord of the Rings books?"

Gandalf nearly gasped in shock. "So that must be why the Mary Sues here are so dumb!"

I nodded. "Of course! So if you let me in this Hobbit-hole for an interview, I can publish the answers on my profile, have the Mary Sues read it, and in some way convince them to read the books!"

Gandalf instantly changed into a brighter mood and laughed. "So if they read the books, then means that they'll gain more knowledge about middle Earth and stop showing up for the hope of having their favorite male character fall in love with them? Brilliant! Why didn't you mention this earlier? Oh, never mind, come inside, we're all here!"

I grinned, thinking that this was the best lie that I have ever told. He stepped aside and allowed me to walk in, and as I did, I began to wonder what Gandalf meant by 'We're all here'.

To my surprise (and confusion) ALL THIRTEEN of the Dwarves and Bilbo were sitting around the hearth! "What year is it!?" I cried out to Gandalf. He slumped his shoulders and gave out an irritable sigh. "I'm sorry, but I don't have time to discuss the time-frame for this dimension….. It's a bit complicated."

"Who's that?" Bilbo asked in a slightly timid voice, who was sitting on the couch. All thirteen of the Dwarves looked up, noticing me for the first time, and immediately got out their weapons and formed a circle around me and Gandalf. I instantly spotted Thorin as he walked up to Gandalf, who didn't look like a Dwarf who received enough hugs in his childhood. "Why did you let HER in here?" he demanded in a gruff voice (like Peter Jackson, I had imagined that the Dwarves had an accent similar to Scottish, but when Thorin spoke he sounded like he had more of an Angelo-Saxton accent.)

"Now, now, she traveled all the way down from Erebor to look for all of you, you have to give her that," Gandalf replied in a calm voice. "She's here on an important errand to supply current authors on our opinion about the hobbit movie that just came out. You know," Gandalf added in a whisper only for me and Thorin to hear, "She said that she could even stop the Mary Sues from coming. You can do this for the sake of your nephews!"

Thorin sighed and glanced over at two Dwarves who were the youngest and had yellow beards. Those two seemed to be holding their weapons tighter than the other Dwarves, and glared at me like I was going to attempt to make out with them at any given moment in time.

"They've been attacked by other authors?" I whispered to Thorin. He nodded. "That's why we're here. There were so many trying to get into Erebor that we had to flee to the Shire. We're just hoping that they'll stop showing up so we can go home soon."

"Understood" I said. Gandalf straitened his back and cleared his throat. "Well? Do you agree to let her help you out or not?" he said, trying to hide his impatience. Thorin was silent for a few moments before he slowly nodded. "Alright," he sighed. But then he grabbed his sword and pointed the blade at my throat. "But if YOU are just some Mary Sue in disguise, then you'll have another thing coming!" I trembled but nodded. I knew right then that it was going to be a while before I would fully gain the Dwarves' trust.

I didn't move until he lowered his sword and put it back in its sheath. Thorin gave the signal for everybody to sit down, and I hastily walked to the door to get my computer bag. "So as you may or may not know…" I began as I set up my laptop on the coffee table, "A recent movie has come out which stars all of your characters, but have been acted out by chosen actors. Now this movie has raised much controversy, not just in my world but here too."

A fat Dwarf that was sitting on the floor raised his hand. "Yes Bombur?" I asked.

Bomber thought a while before asking, "Why has this movie raised controversy?"

"That's a very good question," I said like a kindergarten teacher, "The movie raises controversy in many ways. The biggest thing is that many people say that Peter Jackson, the director of the film, did a terrible job at sticking to the books." A few of the Dwarves growled in anger, and even Bilbo seemed vexed.

"That's when all of you come in." I continued, "Through this Laptop, I will show you the entire movie, and occasionally pause it to get your feedback. All you will have to do is compare and contrast this movie to the book, and when the movie is over, all I want for you to say is whether you liked it or not."

A few of the Dwarves glanced at each other with uncertainty. "That sounds boring," one of the Dwarves piped up.

"Well it's either this, or you continue to be molested by those fanfiction authors, you have your pick Kili!" Thorin snapped at his youngest nephew. Kili hesitated, before he looked up at me and said "Sorry, continue please," in a forced polite tone.

I reached into my computer bag and got out the DVD, along with a notebook and a pencil. "Now, let's begin," I said as I inserted the disk into the laptop. Everyone crowded around the electronic device as the screen began to light up.

**~0~0~0~**

_**I had hoped to have this all completed into one chapter, but I'm afraid that there were many things that happened that makes it impossible for me to do so.**_

_**You may be holding the accusation against me that I am some form of a Mary Sue since I'm a control freak that can hop in and out of Middle Earth on my own accord. I describe "Mary Sue-ing" as a form of self-insertion, but the difference is that the character that the author created based on his or herself has qualities that make them better than who the author is. Their character is someone who can save the day, and if they choose for their character to die honorably, their death is grieved for by an entire realm. I don't describe myself as a Mary Sue, because I'm very honest on who I am… But I guess that having the ability to travel to Middle Earth instantly makes me one anyway. **_

_**P.S. If you are an author that has done some Mary Sue writing, then don't be offended by anything I say.**_

_**P.P.S. If you want more information on Mary Sues, then simply look it up on Wikipedia. I won't place anymore discussion on them in my next chapters.**_

_**~Tatharwen **_


	2. DTSD

**~0~0~0~**

_**A continuation of where we left off…**_

_I reached into my computer bag and got out the DVD, along with a notebook and pencil. "Now, let's begin," I said as I inserted the disk into the laptop. Everyone crowded around the electronic device as the screen began to light up…_

"What in the Shire!? It glows!" Bilbo squealed.

Nearly five of the Dwarves shushed the young Hobbit, while all the others, including Gandalf, seemed to be in a trance by what the laptop was doing. The music began as the warner bros symbol lit up on the screen, and everyone's eyes widened as it went black, and a voice was heard which said "My dear Frodo…"

"Who's this Frodo that the magic box speaks of?" Gloin questioned as he grabbed his sword and pointed it at the laptop. With a huff I pressed the pause button and stood in front of the screen. "Please do not harm my Laptop," I said. "It cost me nearly seven hundred dollars to buy, and I don't have any money lying around to replace it." The dwarves couldn't understand American currency, but they were still able to comprehend that seven hundred dollars was a lot of money. Bombur quickly scooted away from the Laptop, and stared at it like it was going to break any second. I gave a cold stare to Gloin and pressed play.

I sat back down and watched the expressions on everyone's faces as they watched the movie. As the scenes passed through Erebor, a few of the older Dwarves sighed as if they were remembering the Dwarf kingdom's ancient glory. I glanced at Thorin and saw that he wasn't even looking at the screen, but looked deep in thought. That was understandable; seeing a representation of his Father and Grandfather must have easily sparked old memories.

But then I held my breath for the scene that came next; the first appearance of Thranduil. Gloin and Balin growled upon seeing him and looked like they wanted to leave the room, but other than that the Dwarves laughed and whispered things to one another that any Elf would find racist.

The movie progressed to the scene when Smaug came. I scanned my eyes nervously at all the Dwarves and wondered if a Dwarf could get PTSD, and whether or not it could be triggered when watching a battle scene. As the dragon fire flashed out across the screen, most of the Dwarves nearly jumped out of their own skin, and a few even grabbed their weapons before remembering that the flames couldn't possibly pass through the screen to scorch them. Gandalf began passing out pipe weed to everyone so they could calm down, and very soon the whole living room was engulfed in smoke. I gaged and wheezed as I got up to open every window in the room, and very soon it all cleared. "Old Toby?" Gandalf asked as he offered me his spare pipe that was already filled with weed. "I… Don't… Smoke…" I rasped and moved my chair closer to the window.

I looked at the laptop and saw that the movie was past the part where the Dwarves were driven out of Erebor. I got back up again and paused the film. "So, what do we all think so far?" I asked.

Balin was the first to raise his hand. "The beginning could have used a lot more detail and work. It is mandatory to add the glory and fall of Erebor to serve as an explanation for how it all began, but I feel that the people who created this film were eager to get through it and not waste their time."

I jotted that down into my notebook, impressed by his response. "Alright… Anything else?"

Gloin shrugged. "I guess that it was a little accurate," he said, "but I haven't seen enough of the movie to get an opinion out of it yet."

The rest of the Dwarves nodded in agreement. But then I glanced at the couch and saw that someone was missing. "Where's Bilbo?" I asked. "Dwrrrn Hrr," Came a muffled reply from beneath the couch cushions. Bofur, who was sitting on the couch reached into the cushions and yanked Bilbo out. "You'll have to excuse him," Gandalf said, "He has DTSD, or _Dragon Traumatic Stress Disorder_."

"That's alright," I said. I looked at Bilbo in the eye. "There won't be any Dragons until the very end of the movie," I reassured him, "But when that happens, I'll warn you before you see it." Bilbo blushed but nodded.

"Now get on with the movie!" Gloin huffed impatiently. Gandalf gave him a good whack on the head with his staff. "Shut up!" he snapped. I quickly pressed the play button before they could argue any further, and once again they were all occupied with watching the movie. The flashback scenes ended, and the setting changed to the Shire. Bilbo eyes widened in surprise as he saw his character, and became confused when he saw Frodo's character. _Frodo probably hasn't been born in this time frame yet _I thought. A few of the Dwarves began to appear bored with the first scene of the Shire, except for Gloin who looked slightly impressed by Bilbo's garden in the movie. But finally, the movie flashed back sixty years, which meant that the story could officially begin.

"Ha! That looks a lot like you Bilbo!" Bofur chuckled as he slapped the Hobbit on the back. Bilbo frowned. "Well, I don't see the resemblance," he said as he peered closely at his character. Oin took out his glasses and leaned closer to the screen. "Hmmm, you are right Bilbo," he said. "That Hobbit seems to be a bit taller… and a lot less flabby too!" Many of the Dwarves snickered, including Gandalf. Bilbo sighed and sank further into the couch like he wanted to hide again. "At least Mr. Gandalf looks like himself," Dori said. Many of the Dwarves nodded vigorously, but Gandalf looked annoyed. "My beard is much whiter," he said as he patted his long beard with pride.

I grinned evilly and got my notepad ready; very soon the dwarves would see the outer appearances of their characters for the first time. As the scene rolled into nighttime, showing Bilbo having his dinner, every Dwarf straightened up in their seats when they heard a knock at the door (in the movie that is). "That must be me!" Dwalin said. Every Dwarf leaned in closer to the Laptop as Bilbo's character opened the door….

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF #!%&!?" Dwalin roared. All of the other Dwarves had a hand over their mouth, but Kili managed to gasp out "… What kind of a Beard is that?" Everyone stared at Dwalin's long blue beard that was tucked neatly into his belt, and stared back at his character's short, brown beard that didn't even stop at his chest. "It's alright Brother," Balin said, giving him a pat on the back, "They could have done much worse."

"Well, I hope that some other character looks more ridiculous than mine does," Dwalin huffed.

"You won't have to worry about that, Bilbo looks ridiculous in the movie AND in real life!" Fili snickered. Bilbo did not have any fight left in him from watching the Dragon scenes, so he sat back and glared at Fili instead of saying something.

The movie went on to where someone knocked on the door a second time. Everyone instantly knew that Balin's character was about to make an appearance, and I saw Dwalin cross his fingers. When Bilbo's character opened the door, everyone breathed a sigh of relief (except Dwalin) when they saw Balin's character's perfectly white long beard. "That's not fair," Dwalin muttered.

"Well, we don't have to worry about what we're going to look like," Kili said to Fili. "Our appearances are made very clear in the books, right down to our very noses! Why would the creators for the movie abandon that and create us from scratch?"

The rest of the Dwarves grumbled to themselves; they knew that they were right, but they were hoping for some revenge on the spoiled Dwarf princes. I covered my mouth with my hand and managed to stop myself from laughing. Fili and Kili were never going to be so wrong in their lives…

Fili and Kili grinned as the door in the movie knocked a third time. But their smiles immediately disappeared as soon as 'movie Bilbo' opened the door, and the air was sucked out of the room as their character's said their first lines:

"Fili!"

"And Kili!"

"At your service!"

"A-HAAAAA!" Dwalin and Bilbo roared as they jumped out of their seats and started waltzing together in circles around Fili and Kili. Nearly everyone fell to the floor and cried with laughter. The two younger dwarves were silent, and looked deathly pale. Bilbo, who was in a joyous mood, started to chant a song that he had never made up in his head until he and Dwalin had had their moment of glory:

"Fili and Kili,

It must be so hard,

Your dumb characters

Look more like your Mom!

But where are their beards?

They're not on their heads;

Maybe they left them

Cuz 'film thought twas best'!"

Everyone applauded at Bilbo's clever comeback, and I even wrote his song down in my notebook. After things calmed down a bit and Dwalin and Bilbo stopped dancing, everyone sat back down and focused their attention back to the movie. Everyone had been laughing so hard that they missed a lot of the movie, so I had to rewind it for a few seconds. I stopped and pressed play at the scene in which the rest of the Dwarves fell in through the door, so I had to explain to them which Dwarf was who. Of course, everyone was overwhelmed by the number of braids on each Dwarf and complained that the hairstyles were ONLY practiced amongst Dwarf women, but they all agreed that Fili and Kili were the worst, and that Balin was the most accurate. No one seemed to notice that Thorin hadn't appeared, but by the look on Thorin's face he could care less.

As the movie continued on to the unexpected party, Bombur got up to get food because 'it was unfair for him to watch his character eat while he didn't'. At one of my favorite parts in the movie, when the Dwarves sang _'Blunt the Knives', _a few of the Dwarves couldn't resist to sing along to the movie, even though the lyrics had been changed. But after the song ended and the fifth and final knock on the door was heard in the movie, that was when the Dwarves remembered Thorin's character. "I guess that they wanted for your entrance to be more dramatic than the others," Balin whispered to Thorin. The Dwarf king made no reply.

I felt that it was now the perfect time to pause the movie, so I got up and did so. "Does anyone have anything to say?" I asked.

"This movie is going to be horrible," Fili said. Kili nodded in agreement.

I didn't bother to write that down. Gloin waved his hand in the air. "If that movie can prove Fili and Kili wrong, I like it so far." I wrote that down almost immediately. I looked at Thorin and noticed for the first time that he hadn't said a word since the movie had started. That didn't surprise me at all.

I pressed play and continued on with the movie. As it came to the characters discussing their quest during the important meeting, the dwarves and Gandalf and Bilbo didn't seem as transfixed into the film as usual; what was discussed in that meeting was nothing new to them, not even the part when Bilbo's character fainted and landed on the rug. The Dwarves eyes nearly focused away from the screen as the next scene showed Bilbo's and Gandalf's chat, but The Wizard and the Hobbit gave each other a confused look as if asking '_since when did we have THAT conversation?'._

The dwarves' attention was regained as the movie switched over to the talk between Balin and Thorin, and all the Dwarves hailed when one of Thorin's best movie lines was heard: "_I would take these Dwarves over an army from the Iron hills, for when I called upon them they answered; with loyalty, honor, and a willing heart. I could ask no more than that."_

"Bravo!" Balin cheered as all the Dwarves applauded. Even Fili and Kili couldn't help to shed one or two tears for their uncle. Thorin's face began to redden as he gave each of the dwarves a gruff nod, but still didn't say a word.

The movie switched over to my second favorite part; when the dwarves sang '_misty mountains cold'._ "Yes! I hoped that they would add that part," Bilbo whispered aloud to himself. That was the same exact thing that I did when I watched the movie trailer for the first time in the theater. A few of the dwarves hummed along to the tune, but most of them silently listened. A few grumbled after the song ended, and Nori even said "They should have made the song longer…"

As the movie continued on to the next morning when Bilbo decides to go on the Dwarves' quest and makes a mad dash out of the Shire, I paused the film again. Gandalf immediately spoke up his opinion before I had the chance to ask. "Bilbo didn't just make the choice on his own," Gandalf huffed. "He definitely would have stayed if I didn't come back to push him out the door. I think that the director seems to be a bit off about his personality."

That did make sense, so I copied it down in my notebook. "We also left him a letter about where we wanted to meet him," Ori said. "So if they didn't add that in the movie, how would he know where to find us after we left?"

"That actually should be pretty easy," Nori said. "Bilbo does have a map in the parlor of the whole Shire, with all of his favorite walking roads mapped out in red ink. He would already know in what direction we were going and head strait to the eastern road!"

"Wrong!" Dori snapped. "Bilbo DIDN'T know in what direction we were heading because the only maps he owns are of the Shire, and when we explained to him on our first night in his house about Erebor, he had never even heard of the kingdom before!"

"Both of you are wrong!" Gloin said. "Bilbo had already seen the map that Gandalf gave to Thorin of Erebor, in which the cardinal directions were displayed, so he would know which general direction to go to find us!"

To me it felt like an atomic bomb had exploded in the living room as every Dwarf (except Thorin) stood up and started hurling their theories (and their fists) at one another. Very soon they started shouting out things in the secret Dwarvish tongue, which was a sign that things were about to get uglier.

"_Oi, oi, oi!"_ Thorin finally shouted as he stood up and waved both hands above his head. All of the Dwarves stopped fighting and immediately sat down. Bilbo crawled out from under the couch where he had been hiding the whole time and also sat back down. Gandalf didn't have to move because he had been sitting down and smoking weed the entire time. I stared at all the dwarves and noticed that Fili and Kili were the only Dwarves that had two black eyes and a bloody nose, but I decided that it was wiser not to ask why.

"Ummm…. Moving on…" I gulped, and pressed play.

_**To be continued…**_

**~0~0~0~**

**Sorry if this chapter seemed a bit too rushed… It only took me a day to type out. I wanted to have this entire story finished before the Desolation of Smaug came out, but with it being only four days away I find that impossible…**

**In the next chapter an important BUT unnecessary character stop by for a visit… Wanna guess on who it might be? **

_**~Tatharwen**_


End file.
